Alone with Chronic Pain

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It has been a while since I’ve posted (other than Walk for a Dog) something on WordPress. I haven’t even been able to read my follower’s posts. It makes me feel a little sad because I usually get such joy out of writing and I may not have internet access soon.

My boyfriend and I had broken off things a few months ago and our lease expires at the end of August. My name finally came up for housing so I will be living in a housing unit. I’m not really excited to live on housing and to deal with all the paperwork but it will feel good to have my own place. I actually have a place in mind that I would love to live in but am not going to say anything on this post in case I jinx myself. 🙂 So, to be continued…

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I didn’t feel like myself, I couldn’t get comfortable, and I was in pain. Not only was I dealing with my chronic pain but I was also completely alone. Some days I can handle it, some days I can’t. As I was laying in bed listening to the thunderstorm, these thoughts popped into my head. I knew I had to write them down otherwise I would keep thinking about them. I was too tired to write so I did a voice recording. This is what I had said:

Your family members are in chronic pain as well so they can’t help. You don’t have any close friends that you feel you can count on to ask for the help. Everyone has their own lives and are busy, they can’t sit and take care of you. At times like this, it’s where you are alone and you just want someone to be there. Your one close sibling has 5 kids so you don’t want to ask her for help. You’re living with your ex-boyfriend and I’m not going to go there on that subject (because I no longer try to write about my relationship woes on WordPress, as much as I want to at times…).

You just want someone to sit with you, even if they can’t help in any medical way. Just having them sitting there helps. I have Storm as my companion dog but sometimes you want a person that cares about you. Some people may say, “Well just give me a call and we can chat.” No, I don’t want to talk on the phone, I was someone physically here.

They have an organization here that can send someone to your place to help with your disabilities. I called them Friday and found out their services are only limited to people on Medicaid, which I am not able to receive. Apparently sometimes they can offer the services for a fee, but for someone on my income it would cost $400 a month. I asked if they take in consideration what I pay a month for rent and they said no. What the fuck?!? I told them I was moving into housing, that I was not just blowing my money left and right, or that I had money to blow.

“Well, there’s a lady that does some financing and she might be able to help…” That’s when I stopped listening. So, I guess we will see how it goes once the time comes…

*Thank you to http://www.davidbain.org for use of photo.

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A new Lupus symptom for me

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Upon waking on Sunday, February 1st, I looked at the bathroom mirror and groaned. Pink eye. Awesome. The weather was super crappy and I was trying to decide if I wanted to go into acute care. I figured it could wait another day but texted my mom to let her know that I would be needing a ride some time on Monday. She mentioned she had the grandkids so it would be easier if we went on this crappy weather day. So I gave in and she told me she would be on her way to pick me up.

Once I saw that she was at my place, I quickly went to her vehicle and opened the door.

“Here,” mom said while thrusting black gloves in my face. “I am NOT getting sick and I don’t want your germs.” I looked at her. Her eyes went wide and she said, “I’m serious!” So I pulled the gloves on and we took off.

Once inside the acute center, the doctor checked out my left eye. She sat down to log onto the computer and spent a couple minutes scrolling. She sat up and informed me that she would be right back. I sat there confused while waiting for her to return. Why didn’t she just say that I had pink eye?

After a few minutes she came in with a piece of paper, which she gives me, then sits down.

“It’s not pink eye,” she stated. Then she began to tell me that sometimes with Lupus patients, they get what is called Episcleritis. This is inflammation of the whites of the eyes. She mentioned I have to make sure it doesn’t get worse and have it checked out by an eye doctor. She gave me a prescription, but it was basically like a high dose of Aleve.

A couple days later I went to my eye doctor and she explained what it was (same answer as acute doctor). She wanted to give me some eye drops since that is what we were trying to treat, it only makes sense. She prescribed a very small bottle of Tobramycin and Dexamethasone Ophthalmic Suspension (I’m just listing what the box read) and I was to place one drop four times a day for five days. It worked just fine.

I noticed a couple of things before I had to go in but didn’t pay much attention to them. My eyes seemed to have more gook than normal when waking up and during the day. My eyes were painful but I figured my allergies were just starting up. But now I know, and knowing is half the battle (Yes, that is a G.I. Joe reference).

Bah!!

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For some reason, I have always had difficulty with this account on getting the gravatar-thing to show my picture. I tried going through help it seemed I went through the whole thing and it still won’t show. I think that is one reason why I stay away from the blog so much. I log on, begin to fuck with the picture, get pissed off then sign out. Anyone have any suggestions????  It’s so frustrating!

Crabby

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I am currently lying in bed and ready to turn my light off but I keep putting it off. I wanted to do a blog post earlier but that didn’t work out. My body is sore and tired but I can’t seem to quiet the mind. And it’s been like this ALL day.

There are days where I wake up and am just depressed. And I know the next day will be better but getting through the current day is horrible. I sit and wish my life away…

I tried different things or skills that I learn in therapy, but nothing seemed to work. Chocolate ice cream – nope. Reading (which is my favorite hobby & can normally quiet my brain) – nope. It seemed even for the things I loved, I seemed to no longer love. I didn’t even want to see any person I care about. I felt like I just didn’t give a shit. I thought about calling my therapist but I pictured myself listening to her while rolling my eyes. I saved myself the hassle and decided it was not a good idea.

Does anyone else get like this? Nothing has gone wrong but you wake up hating the world for just that one day. I don’t know where it comes from; if it has something to do with my Lupus (a sign that a flare is on the way), or if it has something to do with some mental issues that I am dealing with. I do deal with depression but it felt worse than that.

I decided to take a nap and I woke up feeling MUCH better! Mind you, I am still crabby but I am no longer on the downward spiral. So when all else fails, take a nap. 🙂

“Obsess much?”

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Anyone that enjoys stupid comedy should recognize the quote that I used in the title. For those that don’t care for stupid humor, it’s from a movie called Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. One of my obsessions is reading. Like most bookworms, that is what I would like to do all day long. And I have too. Just hours upon hours of my nose stuck in a book (or now nose in front of a kindle).

I’ve had this obsession (or passion as some may call it) as far back as elementary school. Do you remember the Pizza Hut Book-it program that started in the mid ‘80’s? I nailed it every year. Amazingly, the program is still going strong today.

This year I decided to try the Goodreads Reading Challenge. Since my health is rocky and I cannot work, I decided to give 50 books a shot. It is the end of October and I am already eight books over my challenge number. I know if I was still working at the time, my number would not be quite as high. Next year, I will be adding more books making it more of an actual ‘challenge.’

My reading time will be on a slight standstill this next month as I participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Will anyone else be taking part in NaNoWriMo? I have tried to contribute in the last three years but never got very far. I want this year to be different. I really don’t have any excuses of why I can’t contribute this year, other than my health. And blogging this post is part of my motivation. It’s been said that things have a better chance of being accomplished once you announce your plans to someone, your family, friends or the world.

Thank you for being my motivation.

Thanks to http://theviewspaper.net/my-love/ for use of photo.

Lost Muse!!

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Wow, I have gotten WAY too slack on this blog. Honestly, my other WordPress blog is lacking as well. I have lost my crafty, little muse. At least with my other blog I can post an obnoxious amount of pictures of Storm, this blog is a little more difficult. I have the urge to write/type today so I figured I would just start and see where I end up. NaNoWriMo is coming up and I want to really try this year. I know I have to warm up my muscles quite a bit. I have two books that I have not finished because I am stuck. I have put it off and I know that is not going to help. I have a couple of guesses of why I am having such a difficult time coming up with anything to write.

#1 – I don’t do anything and mostly sit around all day. Mind you, I read while sitting around all day so I am at least doing something. But maybe that reason could be worded differently. Hmmm… I have no social life. There, that sounds more precise. I don’t have a job, I don’t have school/classes and my friendships are minimal. Somehow I am blessed with all my best friends deciding to move out of state (which, in some cases result to no longer being best friends).  A big part of not having a social life is that I have no vehicle. I really HATE asking for help. I was raised to be strong, independent and not depend on someone else (particularly a man) for things.

The only social interaction I get (other than my boyfriend) is my therapy sessions and DBT group meetings (which are right before my therapy sessions). And per DBT group rules, I am not allowed to contact or become friends with any of the other members. Yes, it’s a lame rule but the therapists are just concerned that we will forget our skills when together thus all the learning was for nothing. Something like that. I suppose if I concentrate super hard I can understand the reason but I still think it’s a lame rule. And it frustrates me because I have clicked with a few people and some of them even have the same health issues as me.

#2 – There was (what I considered to be) an issue for the pet magazine I write articles for. Odds are I am taking something wayyyy too personal. But it has left me in an ‘I’m not good enough’ funk. Basically I got my first ‘no’ or reject with my writing. And the stupid thing is that I KNOW there will be rejections and it happens to everyone. For whatever reason, my hands are bound and I can’t take the blinders off my eyes.

And…

#3 – My health has actually been somewhat ok. I still have my Fibro bothering me at times, chest pain, migraines and Lupus joint pain so severe that I can’t even use my hand, but that all can be categorized as just a “normal” day for me. So there is nothing to report, which I am thankful for.

Until I am able to locate my muse, please check out my other blog (http://www.paws2smile.wordpress.com ) and gush over my adorable American Bulldog.  🙂

I’m still around

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Last time I posted to this blog was about two months ago. Even then, it was a repost and not something I actually took the time to write. Lately I have been putting most of my energy into my other blog (WordPress — paws2smile). I guess I don’t have much going on with my Lupus that I need to write about, which is a good thing. I think it also has to deal with my profile/Gravatar picture. Sometimes it shows, sometimes it won’t. I have tried researching it and end up getting frustrated. Because of that, I feel negative every time I log on and hiss at my computer when I see the generic picture of a person that is supposed to be me.

My health hasn’t been that bad, which I am thankful for. I had an appointment with my pain doctor about a month ago and gave the update that I was doing well and sure as shit, the next week I got headaches, which turned into migraines and a flare. I am still dealing with the migraines and not getting much done of anything. House chores, blogging, article writing… it is amazing how a “bad headache” leaves you useless. I spent the hardest week in bed, sleeping my days away. Sleeping was the only time I wasn’t in pain and was the only thing I could do. With nausea, light and sound sensitivity and dizziness, it is hard to even watch TV. But it has gotten a little better.

Friday and Saturday I felt pretty good so of course I did house chores and overdid myself. I was just feeling so GOOD that I didn’t want to stop and take time to rest, I thought my flare was over. And only certain people will understand this, but it felt GREAT to be able to do chores. I was so happy to be doing laundry and the dishes. There is no sarcasm in this. Friday I had some pain but went to doggy daycare regardless because it has been 3 weeks since I was there last. I missed my pups. So we will see how much longer this flare lasts.

My dad and stepmother have been on the Paleo diet for some time now and now my dad wants me to start. He has heard stories of how much the diet has helped Lupus patients. I’m on the fence about it since it’s a diet that requires a lot of meat/protein and no bread/carbs. I’m not much of a meat-eater and I LOVE bread. He is on my ass about it but I really can’t get mad at the guy because he cares and just wants me to feel better. So, I suppose I should start reading some information about it. I honestly do need to change my diet though; my body is reminding me that I am getting older and I can’t enjoy the sugary foods as much as I used to.

I have decided to start using/selling oils. I am impressed with them! I have just started so I don’t know much, other than they work. For now I only have two bottles to work with, Thieves and Peppermint. I have Lavender on the way which is exciting because my boyfriend and I have been using it in the diffuser every night before bed. It’s so relaxing, I can’t believe I didn’t start doing this sooner. And I am finding my boyfriend likes them just as much as I do, which may help me to keep spending the money on them. 😉

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