Valentine’s Day

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This was originally written on 2-15-11

This was supposed to be posted yesterday but my internet was not working… So, a day late.

Ahhh Valentine’s Day. I don’t think there is any other day that has so many opinions. Note that I did not use the word “holiday”. Some people think it is a day for love while the other side considers this a “Hallmark” day. In all honesty, I don’t find anything grand about this date. At times, it is hard not to get a teensy jealous watching all the other coworkers and friends receive roses or gifts from their significant others. We all want to be pampered, admired and loved. But why should it be for just one day out of the year? Our significant others should be doing that all year long to remind us just how special we are. I’m not saying each day, but just every so often. And it doesn’t have to be anything expensive or impressive. Just with any other subject in life, it’s the little things that count.

Personally, I would rather receive roses and/or gift on a day that is not expected. I want it to be a surprise. This is when you feel extremely special because no one else is receiving them. That, and for the fact you get to toot your own horn that day. Keep the tooting to a minimum though; we already know how special you are.

On this day in the past I was usually single and bitter. But I have been talking more with a friend/coworker that is a positive person whose positivity has been rubbing off onto me without even knowing it. Her magic is contagious. I recently realized that I am looking at situations more with light rather than darkness. It’s easy to be negative and not fight for anything while sitting in the darkness. But rather not being able to see, I happened to find a flashlight. With the bright light streaming out from it I found a light bulb that I did not realize before. I turned it on and now I can almost see everything. There is still a dark corner but I am working on it.

Single people should rejoice on this day! You get to be completely selfish! You don’t need to find a gift for someone. In fact, go buy yourself something. There is nothing wrong with picking up flowers for yourself at the grocery store. You also don’t need to dote on anyone; you can be as lazy as you want to be. And you don’t need to have the worry that everything will hopefully go as planned! You don’t have to deal with waiting forever for your meal because the restaurants are at full capacity. See—no reason to be so sour on Valentine’s Day. There are good reasons to be single and happy on this day.

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12 Long Months

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I have been putting in more hours at my part time job lately, and finding if feels like how things were a year ago when I was working full time. I feel too run down to do anything on a day off. If I finally have enough motivation on my day off, I run errands and usually end up overdoing it.

My arthritis is letting me know that its’ presence is still there. Lately, it has been a challenge to be able to do an easy task, such as being able to put my hair in a ponytail. I put up such a fight with the arthritis in my hands and shoulders that it becomes a wrestling match to the point that I become sweaty and struggle to breathe at a normal pace. So, for those types of days I need to just remind myself to not take it too seriously. Sometimes it’s easier said than done. When I have a bad “hair” day, I need to focus more on things that I can control, such as my makeup and being able to pick out a sharp outfit to make up for the mop on my head. And I’m not sure if this just happens to me, but I really dislike going to see my specialist when I am sore. They make me feel as though I am stupid and really don’t know what is going on with my body. I will mention how sore a fussy joint is and they will look at it, squeeze it, tell me that it is not inflamed, and then move on to something else.

In December, I received a nice, bright, yellow letter from Social Security stating they will send me another letter letting me know when they have picked a date for me to have a hearing in front of a judge for my case. Weeks have slowly gone by as I anxiously looked in the mailbox every day only to be disappointed by never seeing anything else from Social Security. The other day I called my attorney and her paralegal (I assume that is her role) returned my call. I asked how long this part of the process takes and she told me twelve months. Twelve months?!? I asked if there was anything I could do to make the process go faster. She mentioned unfortunately there was nothing, unless my condition became worse. At this point I begin to feel a little hopeless. I don’t know if I can last another twelve months. I don’t even have the slightest clue what is motivating me to keep fighting and trying.

My 30th birthday is coming up next month and I know my body isn’t what it used to be. I made a promise to myself, to my body, to stop drinking pop by my 30th birthday. No more pop-toxin for me. There is a good chance I may slip and have one; it is to be expected. I love drinking it so much that I know I can’t quit that sweetness cold turkey.

Letting Go

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I have a hard time letting go of anything and everything. I keep my old bank statements and loan statements “just in case” if I would ever need them. My sister tells me I hold on to too many grudges. During my high school era, I would often try and stay friends with all of my ex-boyfriends. I thought, ‘Just because the relationship isn’t there, it doesn’t mean the friendship has to end as well.’ Well, that thought should only last as long as you are in high school.

My views on this opinion have changed as the years have gone by and I have gotten older (smarter). Once I started to date after high school, I kept a mere handful of ex’s in my life. I find it is often difficult to keep them around when so many emotions are tied to each person. I’m not sure why I try and keep some around. Maybe I keep them around because I would like to try things again sometime in the future. Or maybe because I’m in denial and am not over that person like I thought I was.

There were boys who just couldn’t get things (lights on but no one is home). There were boys that liked alcohol/bars a little too much. There were too many boys who were just that—boys. There were boys who were a little too possessive. There were boys who wanted just one thing. There were boys who were bad for me. There were guys who didn’t want to give up their guy time for me.

But recently I have realized that I don’t need these guys that I have kept around. I am too nice, deserve better and need to put myself on a higher pedestal. It is time to focus more on myself and start learning to let go! Purging begins now!